Nige Story

Awesome night last night. nigel (nige to his friends) came over a bit earlier than usual. he wanted to show me his wallet collection. he has five wallets in his collection, all owned by the great man himself (nige). he said he liked to change his wallet every five or six years “just to keep things fresh” he said. they are all identical black leather wallets. all bought from the same stall in swansea market “if it aint broke, then dont fix it” he said, wisely. he still has his original national insurance card in his very first wallet. he keeps it there for sentimental reasons and he knows his national insurance number of by heart. such a great memory.

we settled down to watch the one show, again we took it turns to sing the “one” bit. it always sets the tone for the evening. that tone being a nutty as heck tone. we watched the one show in absolute silence. brilliant show. we still marvel at how consistently great it is. sometimes its funny, sometimes it s heartbreaking (i remember one segment where this bloke had a dog with no legs. he had wheels fitted (the dog, not the bloke)), always educational. it really does have it all. well done the one show.

after that we went in to the front room and cracked (not literally) open our first of four (each) cans of Guinness. “hey, rob, do you remember telling me the other week that you wanted to broaden your musical spectrum?” (i actually said i should listen to more bands, but nige has such a brilliant grasp on the english language, he can make anything sound better) “yes” i said. “well” said nige, reaching into his carrier bag where his now three cans of guinness were “check out this bad boy”. it was the CD (compact disc) of “out of the blue” by hard rockers ELO. i said “ok, lets give it ago” “rob, do yourself a favour. set the volume up to number four”. obviously i bowed down to nige’s musical superior knowledge. OMG (oh my gosh) upon listening to “mr blue sky” i become a fan of ELO. when they did that robot voice thing in the middle of the song, nige did a robot dance. i tried to join in but got it all wrong. i looked like a puppet with weird strings. nige said i could borrow the CD (compact disc) for two weeks. he really is so generous.

after we listened to the rockfest of ELO we played a game of royal sporting charades, as a tribute to the queens 90th birthday (we both agreed that she doesnt look a day over 87). we had a brilliant laugh doing it. we had three turns each. firstly nige easily got my baby george playing table tennis. then i got nige’s charade of princess anne doing formula one racing. then nige got my camilla having a arm wrestle. then i got nige’s prince andrew playing badminton. i then upped the stakes by doing a dead queen mother ice skating. it took about ten minutes but nige got it. then nige did this cueing action whilst acting out that he could hear the smallest of sounds. obviously i guessed it was prince charles playing snooker “no” said nige, i guessed a few more guesses from the duke of Edinburgh downhill skiing to henry the 8th curling, but to no avail. all my guesses were met with a resounding “no”. i finally said “i give up”. “it was prince charles playing POOL” arrrrghhh, i was so close with my first guess. i should have paid better attention, nige was clearly charading around a six foot regulation size pool table. well played nige, well played.

after that we sat and drank and had a great chat. here is a list of what we chatted about.



speed dating



alex jones

the outer rings of saturn

onion rings

combine harvesters

luke warm water

the russian revolution



kirk douglas

captain kirk

the word kirk


after our last topic we both said we were quite hungry. we finished our last can almost in unison (its good to have a friend with the same drinking speed as yourself. i suppose its a bit like females who live together and their periods become “in sync”) and headed up the chippy. on the way we had a 30 foot (the length of my jones front garden fence (we guessed)) slowest race competition. the only rule is that you can not stop and your motion must be forward. i was very pleased with my time of 8 minutes 24 seconds. however, i am no match for the athletic nige who clocked up a new pb of 14 minutes 53 seconds, knocking off 4 whole seconds off his previous pb.

we got to the chippy and i said “if they sold swan pies, i would have one of those tonight, in respect of the queen”. quick as a flash, nige responded with “i dont think i could neck that”. so very witty, even the bloke behind the counter (who is from iraq and has limited english) smiled. nige ordered a large sausage in batter and a bag of chips and a can of vimto. i ordered a large sausage in batter and a bag of chips and a can of vimto. we then sat on the bench outside and ate our banquet under a nearly full moon. before parting nige asked me if i would like to go to homebase with him on sunday “whats wrong with B and Q?” i enquired. “i just fancy a change”. he is so spontaneous “ok, i said, pick me up at 11” “roger that” nige said. nutter. we high fived and went home.

when i got home i reminisced about our brilliant evening, although i was kicking myself (not literally) about the whole prince charles snooker/pool thing. what a night. nige has to be the best person in the world. i went to bed and dreamt about ELO arm wresting henry the 8th. strange but true.