Aries. the tin opener. you be sitting on a bus on thursday, watching the rain the rain trickle down the windows and you start thinking dark thoughts about how you have messed up your pathetic life, however you suddenly change thoughts and start thinking about torturing Robbie Williams with a cheese grater. this cheers you right up. your lucky letter of the alphabet is all of them

Taurus. the panic. this weekend will bring you sweeping changes to your life. you buy a new outside brush from homebase. your lucky card is pic

Gemini. the satchel. you wake up all bootylicious AND all that on thursday. as you walk to work you keep catching glancing at yourself in reflections in shop windows and you think ‘looking good’. then you do a long slide in dog shit. its your own fault really. vain. your lucky wind is gusty

Cancer. the bloke. every now and then on friday you think about having an egg sandwich. at tea-time you actually make an egg sandwich. its bloody lovely. great day. your lucky hurt is john

Leo. the transit van. People with the star sign of Aries think you are Robbie Williams on thursday and they do terrible things to you with a cheese grater. Friday brings you pain. your lucky fridge is beko

Virgo. the periodic table. you have to speak to your mobile phone provider customer service on wednesday. you will buy a huge packet of paracetamol and a bottle of vodka shortly after. your lucky ringtone is silent

Libra. the dead cat. its either your birthday or you’ve had it or about to have it soon. stop banging on about your fucking birthday, for fuck sake. no one likes a big head. birthday twat. your lucky cake is birthday, there you go again. fucking stop it.

Scorpio. the mentalist. you see a twenty pound note on the floor whilst walking down the road on saturday morning. you bend down to pick it up and you suddenly rupture your spinal column. you spend the next six years in hospital. still, twenty pound. Back. Of. The. Net. your lucky shelf is bottom

Sagittarius. the plastic thing. EVERYTHING will happen to you on sunday. wear suitable clothing. your lucky thing is a tortoise with a small cough.

Capricorn. the earlobe. have you ever had one of those days when everything you do turns to shit? well, stay away from friday. your lucky days are everyday except friday. friday will be fucking awful

Aquarius. the 6p saving on a packet of butter in Asda. what a week is in store for you. its full of drama.mostly downton abbey and the bill. your lucky shoe is horse

Pisces. the last on this list. you will get drunk and somehow become radicalized on wednesday. on thusrday you find yourself in some hot country all confused holding a gun. not a good look. your lucky sausage is those nice ones from the butchers in swansea market. you know the one by the ‘lush’ entrance. mmmmm

there you go, the spirits have spoken. live your life to the pepsi max. Oooooooooooooo