Happy Spannerversary

Awesome day yesterday. I was just finishing sorting out my cutlery drawer (6 knives (butter) 9 forks, 29 big spoons (?????), 3 little spoons, plus an assortment of other “things”) when there was a familiar knock on my door.

I knew instantly it was Nige (Nige to his friends) because he always knocks twice, leaves a gap then six more knocks, leaves another gap, then finishes it with a crescendo of tiny knocks with his fingers.

I raced to the door. Nige was standing there, holding 8 cans of Guinness. I was quite taken aback. Thursday night is “lad’s night in” but here was Nige, in all his splendour (jeans and brown jumper) standing before me, smiling.

“Happy Spannerversary” Nige said, triumphantly. Obviously I was totally confused “Er…what?” I said, flumuxidly. “It’s three years today that we bought this set of spanners (he holds up a set of 6 familiar looking spanners) from Wilkinson to fix his Aunty Barbara’s back gate. Don’t you remember?” said Nige.

“Of course I remember fixing the gate. It was a raining and you had lost your voice, but I don’t remember the specific date” I said, still a little perplexed. “Well I did” said Nige “because these spanners have a five year guarantee and I wrote the date I bought them on the side. Look”.

And sure enough, there was the date. And so, an “impromptu lads night in” took place. And boy, what a night.

Firstly we watched The One Show. Amazeballs (amazing). It doesn’t matter how much you watch it, it never gets boring. Mainly because that it’s a live topical magazine show. Also because of the excellent presenters and superb lighting.

After The One Show the drinking commenced. We both opened a can of Guinness (each) at exactly the same time. We laughed at this. I don’t know why we find things like that funny. I suppose that’s just the way we are. I know it’s a Tuesday and we both have work tomorrow, but sometimes Nige can be quite the maverick. I remember once, Nige caught the train to Neath and had breakfast in its Weatherspoon “just because I could”. His words, not mine.

Whilst on the “booze-athon” we played a game of “Blinking Wars”. Now, if you are thinking that this game consists us staring into each other’s eyes and seeing which one blinks the most, well, I have some news for you. That news is you would be wrong. Our “Blinking Wars” is a simple game. We both take it in turn to name a famous celebrity, then we have got to think of an appropriate word to go with blinking to convey an accurate emotion. Its quite easy. I thought my “Blinking frustrated” was a game winner when given (not literally) Charlie Chaplin, but Nige stole the accolades when he said “Blinking Blinking” when I gave him (not literally) Anne Robinson (technically she winks, but you can’t deny a genius answer like Nige gave”. Here are some other “Blinking” emotions that were uttered.

“Blinking Brainy” Carol Voderman
“Blinking Brilliant” Gary Linekar
“Blinking don’t know him” Matt Hayes
“Blinking Bonkers” Lenny Henry
“Blinking will you marry me, please” Alex Jones (Nige, obv (Obviously))

There were other guesses but I can’t remember them. My memory is not as great as Nige’s. Nige can remember EVERY school trip we ever went on.

After that we just sat and drank and conversed like gentlemen. Here is what we conversed about.

Gary Linekar
Mrs Brown’s Boys
Pancake Day
Gary Linekar AND Pancakes
Opera
The first Amendment
The second Amendment
Batter
Otters
Craig David
The Last of The Summer Wine
Peace on earth
Friction
Blood
Gary Linekar’s blood

After conversing, we headed for the chippy. On the way Nige added a new top entry to the biggest crane we have seen in Swansea. He said he saw it down by the new university buildings on Fabian way. He described it as (excuse the French (Naughty English)) “Bloody Massive”. He said it beat the previous record, held by a crane in Sketty, by a good 10 feet. We play this game on a trust basis. I trust Nige with my life.

We got to the chippy. Nige ordered a Cornish pasty and chips and a can of Vimto. I ordered a Cornish pasty and chips and a can of Vimto. We collected our food and ate it on the bench outside in the crisp November air. “It’s cold tonight” said Nige. “Yes” I responded, knowledgably. We then had a long chat about The One Show. Honestly, the amount of aftershow entertainment that show gives is beyond compare. A bit like “Strictly (come dancing).”

We finished our feast, High fived and walked off. Then, from a distance I heard “Happy Spannerversary, Rob”.

I shouted back “Happy Spannerversary, Nige, you nutter!”. When I got to bed that evening and counted my lucky stars (not literally) and realised that Spannervessary could well become a yearly event.

That would just be like me and Nige.